My New Normal / Mommy (Mommy)
Normal for me is trying to decide what to do or not in order to share Christmas, Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Easter with Jacob..
Normal is also hardly,not being able to bear the thought of Jesus dying on the cross because of what it did to his mother.
Normal is discussing with a friend in Jerusalem how different funeral customs are there than here. Discussing how much both our sons loved motorcycles and how we can barely stand to see one.
Normal is talking to a fellow friend at lunch or dinner and the conversation is going toward how you felt after your child died.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feelings with chat buddies who have also lost a child,
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute in church without getting up and screaming cause you just have trouble singing in church anymore, and yet feeling like you have more faith and belief in God than you ever had before.
Normal is going to bed feeling like your child who is alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead she's stuck with sober, cautious, boring people
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families life.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's and why didn't I.... go through your head constantly.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every teenage boy who looks about Jacob's age. And then thinking of the age Jacob would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is important to imagine it because it will never happen
Normal is every happy event in my life always backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart
Normal is seeing Jordan writing grief poetry about her brother and thinking, how could this be normal? She shouldn't have to be going thru this.
Normal is seeing other kids Jacob and Jordans's age teasing and playing with each other and being envious of them.
Normal is seeing Jacob's classmates from church and school and wondering why he can't be with them. Why Him?
Normal is remodeling the downstairs and putting in a new bathroom and feeling really great about doing well, followed by an immediate down after thinking how Jacob would have said. "That was beautiful Mamma (whether it really was or not.)
Normal is each year coming with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? NOT REALLY!
Normal is telling the story of Jacob's death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of a K2 streetbike and thinking how Jacob would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it or ever ride one.
Normal is getting up early because the minute you open your eyes, you play pictures in your head and cannot fall back asleep.
Normal is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with
grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends in Illinois, Australia, Jeruslaem, Canada and all over USA, but yet never having seen any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. And worrying together over our living children.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 1 or 2 children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in Heaven, and yet when you say only 1 to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.
Normal is avoiding In N Out, Active Ride Shop, Olive Garden, Vinces's, Outback, and Shogun because of happy families eating that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is going to weddings and wishing so hard it was my son. Looking for him there
Normal is driving down a street and looking for my son with a car.
Normal is seeing my son's friends and say why him?He should be alive too. NOT DEAD!
And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become normal for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that your are "NORMAL"
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